Is My Partner a Narcissist - Or Could It Be Alexithymia? Understanding Emotional Disconnect in Relationships
By a Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist
Many of us in neurodivergent communities, whether we’re autistic, ADHDers, sensory sensitive, or simply wired a little differently, have heard this before:
“You're emotionally cold.”
“You don’t care about my feelings.”
“You act like a narcissist.”
It hurts to be seen this way, especially when the emotional shutdown, quiet withdrawal, or blank expression isn't about lack of empathy, but about how our brains process emotions.
As a therapist who works with neurodiverse couples, and as someone who identifies within this spectrum myself, I want to unpack a crucial but misunderstood experience: alexithymia.
It’s time we talk about what’s really happening when emotional connection feels out of sync and why it's often not narcissism at all.
What Is Alexithymia?
Alexithymia literally means “no words for emotions.”
It’s not a mental illness or diagnosis in itself, but a common trait in many neurodivergent individuals, such as those with autism, ADHD, or a history of trauma.
It describes a trait where people (like many of us) struggle to:
Identify what we’re feeling
Put those feelings into words
Understand the emotional cues of others
This doesn’t mean we don’t feel.
It doesn’t mean we don’t care.
But it can mean we go quiet, freeze, shut down or take a few days (or weeks) to realise what we were feeling in a moment.
Many neurodivergent folks experience alexithymia to some degree. It can show up as:
Physical symptoms instead of feelings (*“My chest is tight” instead of “I feel anxious”)
Emotional delay (“I didn’t feel anything at the time, but now I realise I was upset.”)
Struggles expressing warmth or love in conventional ways
Alexithymia is not a personality disorder, but a trait or difficulty with emotional awareness, often found in:
Autistic people
ADHDers
Trauma survivors
People with mood or psychosomatic conditions
Ella and Noor have been together for three years. Ella often tells Noor, “I feel alone in this relationship.” Noor finds these conversations confusing. They care deeply but don’t know how to show it in the moment. Their brain feels blank during arguments. When Ella says, “You don’t feel anything,” Noor wants to scream, “I do, I just can’t reach it!”
Ella wonders: Is Noor a narcissist? Emotionally unavailable?
But Noor isn’t trying to hurt her. They’re overwhelmed and wordless in the moment, a familiar alexithymic experience.
*This is a fictional scenario inspired by common dynamics seen in neurodiverse couples.
Narcissism vs. Alexithymia: What’s the Difference?
Many of us have been mislabelled as narcissistic (or even psychopathic), simply because we struggle with emotional expression. It’s painful and often inaccurate.
Here’s a basic comparison:
Narcissism vs. Alexithymia: Clinical and Emotional Differences
What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
Source: DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition)
NPD is a personality disorder, a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and present in various contexts.
To be diagnosed, a person must meet at least 5 of the following criteria:
Grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements, expects recognition as superior).
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Belief in being “special” and unique, associating only with other high-status people or institutions.
Requires excessive admiration.
Sense of entitlement (unreasonable expectations of favourable treatment).
Interpersonally exploitative (takes advantage of others for personal gain).
Lacks empathy; is unwilling to recognise or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Often envious of others or believes others are envious of them.
Arrogant or haughty behaviours and attitudes.
Key Features of NPD:
Manipulative, self-centered behavior
Inconsistent or performative empathy
Relationships used to boost self-esteem or status
Often mask deep insecurity with grandiosity
NPD is a pathological personality structure, not simply being selfish or emotionally distant.
Why These Get Confused in Relationships
Flat affect, low emotional expression, and limited verbal intimacy can be mistaken for narcissistic coldness.
Many neurodivergent people (especially with alexithymia) are accused of emotional unavailability, when in fact they are:
Emotionally overwhelmed
Lacking tools to express themselves
Processing things slowly or somatically (through the body)
Different communication styles (e.g., literal vs emotional language)
Sensory overload in conflict (making emotion even harder to access)
Desire to connect, but few tools or shared language to do so
People with alexithymia often care deeply, but their emotional language is just different or delayed.
This isn’t about blame.
It’s about mismatched emotional processing and the systems we live in don’t often teach us how to bridge those gaps.
Clinically Speaking: How to Tell the Difference
Therapists or partners can ask:
Does this person consistently take advantage of others for self-gain? (NPD)
Or do they struggle to know what they’re feeling, especially under stress? (Alexithymia)
Do they:
Show signs of curiosity, desire to improve, and openness to feedback? (Alexithymia)
Or deflect blame, show no remorse, and seek only admiration? (NPD)
Also consider:
Context: Neurodivergence? Trauma history? Sensory processing needs?
Patterns: Is the behavior chronic and manipulative, or situation-specific and overwhelmed?
Assessment Tools
Here are two key tools often used in clinical practice:
1. Toronto Alexithymia Scale (TAS-20)
20-item self-report questionnaire
Measures Difficulty Identifying Feelings (DIF), Difficulty Describing Feelings (DDF), and Externally Oriented Thinking (EOT)
Validated in neurodivergent and general populations
Note: Best administered and interpreted by mental health professionals trained in emotional processing and neurodivergence.
2. Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI)*
Most used measure for narcissistic traits
Can be used with clinical judgment (not diagnostic alone)
Helpful for spotting grandiosity and entitlement patterns
Important Annotation:
This tool is intended for educational or exploratory purposes. For clinical use, it should only be interpreted by qualified professionals such as clinical psychologists, counselling psychologists, or psychiatrists, in accordance with ethical standards and local licensing requirements.
So… Am I a Narcissist? Or Is My Partner?
If you're here wondering whether you or your partner might be narcissistic, here's something to reflect on:
Do they (or you) want to connect, but struggle to do so?
Do they seem genuinely confused, not calculating?
Do they shut down rather than lash out?
If yes, alexithymia and neurodivergence may be part of the picture, not narcissism.
What Helps? Some Starting Points
Use Tools Like Emotion Wheels
Labeling emotions visually helps externalise what may be hard to name.
Body-Based Awareness
Notice sensations like tightness, heat, nausea: these can be emotional clues.
Write, Don’t Talk (at first)
Many of us express more clearly via text, email, or shared journals.
Validate the Difference
You may feel more than you show or your partner may. That doesn’t mean you’re broken. Just different.
You’re Not Alone - And You Don’t Have to Guess
As a therapist who works with neurodivergent clients and couples, I believe in:
Neurodiversity-affirming practice
Trauma-informed therapy
Supporting all partners with compassion, not blame
* If you’re unsure whether what you're experiencing is narcissism, alexithymia, or something else entirely book an appointment. We can figure it out together.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.).
Ames, D. R., Rose, P., & Anderson, C. P. (2006). The NPI-16 as a short measure of narcissism. Journal of Research in Personality, 40(4), 440–450. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2005.03.002
Bagby, R. M., Parker, J. D. A., & Taylor, G. J. (1994). The twenty-item Toronto Alexithymia Scale—I. Item selection and cross-validation of the factor structure. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 38(1), 23–32. https://doi.org/10.1016/0022-3999(94)90005-1
Embrace Autism. (n.d.). What is alexithymia? Retrieved from https://embrace-autism.com/what-is-alexithymia/
Lumley, M. A., Neely, L. C., & Burger, A. J. (2007). The assessment of alexithymia in medical settings: Implications for understanding and treating health problems. Journal of Personality Assessment, 89(3), 230–246. https://doi.org/10.1080/00223890701629698
Raskin, R., & Terry, H. (1988). A principal-components analysis of the Narcissistic Personality Inventory and further evidence of its construct validity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 54(5), 890–902. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.54.5.890
Taylor, G. J., Bagby, R. M., & Parker, J. D. A. (1997). Disorders of affect regulation: Alexithymia in medical and psychiatric illness. Cambridge University Press.
