Neurodivergent Attachment Theory. Why many autistic, ADHD and AuDHD people are being mislabelled?

Many neurodivergent people, including myself, have been told:

• “You’re avoidant.”

• “You’re anxious.”

• “You’re disorganised.”

These labels often come from therapy, psychology content, or relationship advice. And at first, they can feel accurate. But if you look closer…

Something doesn’t fully fit.

Because with the right people:

• you feel safe

• you connect deeply

• you can be consistent

So what is going on?

What if many neurodivergent people are not insecurely attached…but are being understood through a model that was never designed for them?

A gentle note before we begin

If you’ve been told you are “too much,” “too distant,” or “inconsistent,”this article may challenge those beliefs.

Take your time.

Nothing here is about fixing you. It’s about understanding you more accurately.

Where attachment theory may fall short

Attachment theory (developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth) defines secure attachment using behaviours like:

• eye contact

• physical closeness

• emotional expressiveness

• quick responsiveness

But these are neurotypical expressions of connection.

For many autistic, ADHD, and AuDHD people:

• connection looks different

• regulation works differently

• communication works differently

Neurodivergent behaviours often labelled as insecure may actually reflect sensory, cognitive, and regulatory differences, not attachment problems.

When difference gets mislabelled as “insecure”

In clinical practice, I often see how quickly behaviour is interpreted without enough context. Let’s slow this down and look clearly.

What you do vs how it is interpreted:

Needs space - labelled as avoidant
Inconsistent contact - labelled as anxious
Shutdown in overwhelm - labelled as disorganised
Low eye contact - labelled as emotionally distant

But when we look more closely, these can reflect:

• sensory regulation

• nervous system overload

• differences in attention and executive functioning

• alternative communication styles

The behaviour is real. But the meaning we assign to it may not be accurate.

The clue many people recognise

A lot of neurodivergent people say: “I am secure… with the right people.” This matters.

Because in traditional attachment theory: attachment style is relatively stable.

But in neurodivergent experience: connection is context-dependent. Attachment expression in neurodivergent people shifts depending on environment, sensory load, and relational safety.

Connection is not always constant and that matters

One of the most important differences I see in neurodivergent clients is this: connection is often not experienced as continuously accessible.

When connection goes quiet (and what that really means)

In my work, and in my own experience, I often come across something that is deeply misunderstood in relationships. You can feel genuinely connected to someone. You can care, trust, and feel safe when you are with them.

And then they are not there. And something changes. Not your feelings. Not your intention. But your access to that connection.

It can suddenly feel:

• harder to reach for them

• harder to feel close

• harder to hold onto that emotional thread

From the outside, this is often interpreted as:

• distance

• inconsistency

• emotional withdrawal

And this is where many neurodivergent people are told:

“You are avoidant.”
“You struggle with attachment.”

But this is not how I understand it. What I see, particularly in ADHD and AuDHD individuals, is a different pattern of connection.

One that is strong, real, and meaningful, but not always continuously accessible in the same way. For some people, connection is something they carry steadily, even in absence. For others, connection becomes more tangible again through: presence, interaction, shared attention, relational cues.

This does not make the attachment weaker. It means it is experienced differently. It is a shift in how connection is felt, accessed, and reactivated.

In clinical discussions, this is sometimes linked to what is described as “object permanence” in relationships. However, I find that this concept needs to be used carefully.

Co-regulation: an essential part of connection

Another important piece often missing from traditional models is co-regulation. From a neurodivergent perspective, connection is not only emotional, it is also sensory and physiological.

Many neurodivergent individuals rely on: shared presence, predictable interaction and sensory-safe environments to feel regulated and connected. This is not dependency. It is a valid and necessary way the nervous system maintains stability.

A note on body doubling

What is often described as “body doubling” in ADHD is not only a productivity tool.

It is also relational. Being in the presence of another person, even without direct interaction, can:

• support regulation

• reduce overwhelm

• restore access to connection

This aligns with the idea that attachment is sensory and cognitive, not only emotional.

Masking and the illusion of “secure” attachment

Masking adds another layer of complexity. Many neurodivergent people learn to: adapt their behaviour, suppress natural responses, perform expected social cues.

Externally, this can look like: emotional availability, consistency and secure attachment.

Internally, however, it may feel: effortful, exhausting and disconnected.

This can lead to a situation where someone appears secure, while not actually feeling safe. Or withdraws, not from connection, but from the cost of maintaining it.

A different way to understand attachment - Relational Continuity Theory

To better reflect these experiences, I propose a different lens: Relational Continuity

Connection is not only about how we attach. It is about how consistently we can access that connection across time, absence, and changes in our internal state.

What shapes relational continuity?

Connection is influenced by:
• presence (being together)
• signals (messages, routines, contact)
• internal sense of connection
• nervous system regulation

When regulation shifts, access to connection can change.

Regulated → connection feels available
Overwhelmed → connection feels distant
Shutdown → connection feels absent

When labels no longer fit

When we look through this lens, many traditional labels begin to shift:

• needing presence may not be “anxious”

• inconsistency may not be “avoidant”

• withdrawal may not be “disorganised”

They may reflect:

• regulation needs

• environmental mismatch

• differences in how connection is accessed

A different question to ask

Instead of asking: “What is wrong with my attachment?”

It may be more helpful to ask:

• Where do I feel safe enough to be myself?

• What supports my access to connection?

• What overwhelms or disrupts it?

• What kind of relationship allows me to stay connected more easily?

Looking ahead

In this article, I have focused on how attachment may be misunderstood when viewed only through a neurotypical lens.

In the next piece, I would like to explore this further, particularly in relation to the double empathy framework, and the often overlooked role of mirroring in early development.

Many neurodivergent people grow up without consistently experiencing being accurately mirrored, understood, or reflected by others. This can shape how connection is recognised, expressed, and felt later in life.

Rather than seeing this as a deficit, I want to consider what happens when development unfolds in environments where mutual understanding is not always present and how this influences what we later call “attachment.”

If this resonates

At JKL Therapy Centre, we offer neurodivergent-affirming therapy that:

• moves beyond pathologising attachment

• understands masking and burnout

• supports emotional regulation

• explores relationships through a neurodiversity-informed lens

You do not need to change who you are. But you may need a framework that understands you more accurately.