Understanding PDA: Reframing Autonomy with Compassion
Ever met someone who really doesn’t like being told what to do? Not in a “rebellious teen” kind of way, but in a “even if I want to do it, if it feels like a demand, my brain short-circuits” kind of way?
Welcome to the world of PDA - Persistent (or Perceptive) Drive for Autonomy.
Yes, the more common term is Pathological Demand Avoidance, but let’s be honest—that label isn’t exactly warm and fuzzy. At JKL Therapy Centre, we’re all about affirming language that centres dignity, autonomy, and understanding. So let's explore PDA through a neurodivergent-affirming lens.
What Is PDA, Really?
PDA is a neurodivergent profile. People with PDA (also called “PDAers”) experience an intense and instinctive need to resist demands, even ones they place on themselves.
Sounds counterintuitive, right?
Let’s say someone with PDA is hungry. They might really want to eat, but if “you should eat now” floats into their mind or worse, someone says it out loud, it can suddenly feel like a mountain they can’t climb.
This isn’t laziness, rebellion, or defiance. It’s a protective response, often linked to anxiety and a deep need for control and autonomy.
PDA at a Glance: The Core Traits
Extreme demand avoidance – “Nope” becomes a way of life, even for daily things like brushing teeth or replying to texts.
Intense need for autonomy – The need for self-direction isn’t a preference; it’s vital.
Use of social strategies – Distraction, negotiation, humour, role-play - anything to keep a sense of control.
Surface-level social skills – PDAers can seem charming or sociable while quietly struggling with deeper social dynamics.
Anxiety and overwhelm – When autonomy is threatened, it’s not a small bump, it’s could be a meltdown or a shutdown.
Creative adaptability – PDAers often show unique, innovative ways to navigate life (think “MacGyver,” but with feelings).
How PDA Can Show Up in Relationships & Sexuality
PDA doesn’t just impact work, or daily routines, it also weaves its way into our relationships, emotional intimacy, and sexual well-being. The drive for autonomy can show up strongly in these deeply personal spaces, sometimes in ways that are misunderstood.
Let’s break it down with a few lived-experience-informed examples:
Intimacy on Autonomy’s Terms
A PDAer may feel very connected to their partner but struggle with the expectation of intimacy. Even loving gestures like “Come cuddle with me” can trigger a sudden need to pull away, not because they don’t want closeness, but because it feels like a demand. When intimacy feels like something to comply with rather than choose, the nervous system may go into protective mode.
Control and Vulnerability
Relational functioning for PDAers often means navigating a tricky balance between wanting connection and fiercely protecting independence. For example, a PDAer might crave emotional closeness but withdraw when a partner “needs too much,” fearing enmeshment or loss of self. Setting boundaries becomes not just important, it’s a survival skill.
Sexual Expression & Pressure Sensitivity
In psychosexual contexts, even consensual sexual activity can feel overwhelming if there’s a sense of pressure, performance, or unspoken expectations. A PDAer might experience avoidance not due to lack of desire, but because the situation triggers internalised “shoulds” or emotional demands. Sensory sensitivities can also play a role: touch, sounds, or even certain environments might feel too intense or unpredictable.
Communication Styles
PDAers may mask discomfort to avoid confrontation, using humor, deflection, or sarcasm when something feels too vulnerable. Conversations about needs, preferences, or boundaries might be better received when framed collaboratively, gently, and without urgency.
Reflective Pause
How does my need for autonomy show up in emotional or physical intimacy?
Are there moments in relationships where I feel I "can’t," even if I want to?
What helps me feel in control and safe enough to connect?
A Mini Self-Check: Could This Be Me (or Someone I Know)?
Check any that feel familiar:
Even the suggestion of a task makes me want to do the opposite.
I make up excuses or use humour to get out of things, even fun things.
I crave control over how, when, and if I do things.
Being told what to do (even gently) triggers anxiety or overwhelm.
I’ve been called “stubborn,” “dramatic,” or “overly sensitive” more than a few times.
If you're nodding along, PDA might be part of your neurodivergent identity and you’re not alone.
Reflective Pause
What expectations do I place on myself that feel more like pressure than motivation?
How might I reframe everyday tasks to feel more like choices?
Who in my life might be avoiding demands not out of rebellion, but out of overwhelm?
Support Strategies That Actually Work
Supporting someone with a PDA profile, whether they’re your child, partner, client, or even yourself, means rethinking traditional approaches to motivation, connection, and “getting things done.” It’s not about forcing compliance, it’s about offering autonomy, building trust, and working together.
Here are five key strategies, with real-life examples that show how this can play out across different relationships:
Offer choices:
Instead of: “Brush your teeth now.”
Try: “Would you like to brush your teeth before or after your game?”
In relationships: “Would you like to talk about this now, or come back to it after dinner?”
Why it works: Choice reduces the feeling of being controlled. Even small options help a PDAer feel safe and respected.
Collaborate:
Instead of: “You need to clean your room.”
Try: “Want to pick the playlist while we both tidy for 10 minutes?”
In relationships: “I’m feeling a bit off, can we figure out together what might help us reconnect today?”
Why it works: When something feels like a joint mission instead of a demand, it’s far less threatening. PDAers thrive on teamwork, not top-down requests.
Minimise demands:
Instead of: “You should really call your mum, do your taxes, and take the bins out.”
Try: “I know there’s a lot going on, what’s one small thing we could tackle together today?”
In relationships: “Let’s keep today simple, no pressure, just hang out and recharge.”
Why it works: Less is more. Reducing the pressure makes it easier for PDAers to engage voluntarily, not defensively.
Respect sensory needs:
Instead of: “We’re all going to the party, it’ll be fun!”
Try: “It might be noisy, would you feel better bringing earplugs or finding a quiet spot when needed?”
In relationships: “I noticed the lights seem really bright in here, want to shift somewhere cosier?”
Why it works: Sensory overwhelm can be a silent stressor behind avoidance. Acknowledging and accommodating it builds trust and regulation.
Be clear, kind, and patient
Instead of: “Why are you overreacting? Just get on with it.”
Try: “I see this is hard. We don’t have to do it all at once. How can I support you through it?”
In relationships: “We’ve got 20 minutes until we leave, want a heads-up at 10 minutes or just a quiet check-in when it’s time?”
Why it works: Transitions and expectations are smoother when PDAers aren’t caught off guard. Gentle clarity beats urgency every time.
Community and Connection
Whether you’re navigating PDA yourself, supporting a partner, or working with PDAers, there’s a world of resources ready to welcome you:
📘 Navigating PDA in America
Final Thoughts
PDA isn’t about avoidance, it’s about autonomy.
The more we affirm, adapt, and align with PDAers’ unique ways of experiencing the world, the more we can build lives and systems rooted in compassion, creativity, and collaborative care.
At JKL Therapy Centre, we’re here to walk beside you on that path. Because everyone deserves the right to thrive, not just survive.
🧡 Let’s affirm autonomy. Together.
